Do You Know How Much I Love You?

Dear Poppy,

Do you know how much I love you already? 

While much of my day is occupied with worrying about how other people are feeling and praying for their peace, I've never been a sentimental girl.  I didn't cry on my wedding day. I didn't cry when Daddy proposed to me. Most of my birthday cards will be thrown out soon--not because they don't matter to me--I'm just not that kind of person. . . usually.

 But today when I was waiting at Walmart to have my prescription filled, I couldn't help but look at things for you and become a little flustered . I went to the shoe department. I looked for myself, I looked for your big sister, and then I looked for you. I pictured your tiny little baby feet in warm fuzzy socks. I imagined buying you your first pair of tennis shoes and watching you learn to walk. I daydreamed about you wearing out the soles of your Nikes or Adidas from soccer, biking, and playing Kick the Can with the neighbor kids on a summer night.I even though about how when you're a teenager, I'll probably have to buy you the next size up in your shoes for months on end due to a growth spurt. (I'm hoping you take after Daddy in that area.) Your feet, once too small to even see, will someday fill size 12 men's shoes. This idea amazes me.

I looked at clothes for you and your sister too. I love thinking about dressing you up--even knowing that your clothes will often be covered in spit-up for the first several months or stains and dirt as you get older. I love thinking that someday you will have your own personal style. You'll tell me you don't like wearing stripes and please don't buy anything from Hollister--it's not cool anymore. I'll keep all the receipts and try not to take it personally.

As you probably already know, mommy's been having some rib trouble with you. It's okay--it's not your fault. These things just happen sometimes. Two of my ribs are continually being dislocated and it is suspected I may have herniated discs. The pain is sometimes unbearable--which is why I've been putting ice on my ribs. I hope it's not making you too chilly in there.

Today I was prescribed Hydrocodone to take to help me deal with the pain. The problem is that even though I'm in a lot of pain and I know it's affecting you too, I'm kind of afraid to take it. I know that when I can't breathe, you can't breathe either--but what about the rest of the time? I hate the idea of hurting you--even if the doctor says that taking 1 a day has a very minimal risk. I hate the idea that even though there are no irreversible side effects, you could have trouble after your born. I'm not the type of mother that puts herself before her kids unless I feel there is a no other choice.

I want you to know that even if I end up taking the Hydrocodone that I'm still going to try my best to take care of you. I will continue to eat my protein every few hours. I'll try to drink more water. I'll take my prenatal vitamin every day. I'll get at least 30 minutes of light-moderate exercise daily.  And if the medicine is bothering you too much, you just let me know okay? I know you can't use your words yet, but God will find a way to watch over us and take care of us both. We just have to have faith. He will let me know if this is too much for you.

Love you more than you know,

Mama