What I've Been Waiting For . . . Kinda

I had my first prenatal appointment with my midwife yesterday. I have been looking forward to day for over a month now, as I discovered I was pregnant on July 31, 2011 and had it confirmed by my family doctor on August 5th, 2010.

The reason I was looking forward to the appointment so much was because I've been dying to hear the heartbeat. I read that for a woman of a healthy weight who is 25 or younger, the risk of miscarriage is very small after a good, strong heartbeat has been heard. I decided back in August that I would wait until I had that good, strong heartbeat and then I would be able to announce. It is a good thing too--because some of my pants don't quite zip up the way they did. . . two weeks ago? :-/

Chris, my husband, came with me yesterday. I felt awkward the whole time--from having someone in the exam room with me to the insane number of infant photos on every surface, to the life sized statue of a pregnant woman at the entrance of the clinic. It didn't help that the whole time I was there I was thinking, "all of these people know I'm pregnant and I didn't even tell them". Just awkward.

We spent almost a half hour answering questions about our health histories and then finally the midwife examined me and searched for the Poppy's heartbeat using a doppler. Well, SHE FOUND IT! The baby's heart beat was loud, steady, and clear at 160bpm. Chris's eyes welled up with happiness but I sat there on the table feeling like I was in a dream.  I'd been waiting for over a month to hear that sound and all that was going through my head was, "Yup. There it is. Seems kinda strange there's a heart right there. There isn't usually a heart there. . . hmmm. "

And then I left the office crying. Not because of happiness or relief but more out of terror. That audible heart beat was a surefire sign that I am going to have a BABY. I am going to be a MOTHER. Not just a stepmother--I am the only mommy Poppy gets. I can't mess this up!

And then my head started spinning about all of the information my midwife gave me. NO caffeine (even though my other doctor told me less than 200 mg was okay), insane amounts of water (even though I'm a teacher and don't often get bathroom breaks),  a serving of protein every 2-3 hours, even in the middle of the night (even though most meat makes me sick right now and I'm dead tired and yearning for sleep). I left feeling like a bad mother and a failure  before I was even totally out of my first trimester.

And then I panicked because I panicked! I cried for not being excited to hear my baby's heart and for freaking out. Typical me, I suppose.

Also, I am measuring small and will need an ultrasound next week to date the baby. I know this shouldn't freak me out that badly, but it does a little. And the worst is that my husband won't be with me for the first ultrasound. He will be out of town because of his job. Luckily, my mom is going to go with me. 
 
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P.S. Poppy is laying on my vena cava "being rocked the the rhythm of my heartbeat" which I suspect may be part of the reason I have back pain--even though Poppy is only the size of a kiwi right now. Little twerp! Must be Chris's kid.