Wild Man!! (Or Woman)

Holy smokes! I went to my ultrasound today and I feel sorry for my baby's teachers already. The first time I saw my baby he was doing somersaults and flailing his arms in my womb. (S)he looked like a raver! Hyperactive a little?

To top it off, Poppy is also stubborn. (S)he likes to snuggle and is tucked away in a corner. (S)he wouldn't come out. They had me laugh, cough, and move to get Poppy to reposition, but (s)he would just hop up in a tizzy then settle back down into the same spot.

At least (s)he is a snuggler.

Ultrasound confirmed that I am 11 weeks 5 days today.  Because Poppy was so active and squirmy it was hard to get him/her to hold still for a good shot, but here is my first glimpse of my BABY!

 

 Pretty neat, huh?

So, is this your first baby?!

I’ve recently been posed with this question a lot, and I am still not exactly sure on the appropriate way to answer it.

 I have been with Chris since about the time Dannika turned two and quickly became involved in her life. Over the past two years I have taught her colors, the alphabet, and countless songs.  I have helped her learn to count, tie her shoes, and zip up her coat. I provide her health insurance, have taken her to the doctor when she was sick, and comforted her during illness. I have fed her, bathed her, and clothed her. I have worn the badges of motherhood—poop, pee, and sneeze/booger at various times during our relationship. I have encouraged and I have disciplined. I have played with and I have taught responsibility. 

Do I consider myself a new mom? No. 

Is this my first baby? Yes.

Right now, I know more about potty training than I do breastfeeding and more about getting a fussy preschooler to stay in her bed than I do about getting a fussy baby to go to sleep. But I don’t think I would have spent half my night playing alphabet games, watching Caillou, and eating Spaghettios if I weren’t a mom.

 Being a stepmother before you become a mother is a very curious thing.  You suddenly have the responsibilities of a mother, but with little recognition. Naturally, people are skeptical of you. You are reading parenting books, researching preschools, worrying for your child, and providing for your child. But most people don’t see that. They know you haven’t had a child. You lack something. I don’t say this for sympathy, but to rather explain my position.  I agree. Stepmothers do lack something. But how much?

It may surprise you to know that one of my biggest fears is that my new baby will take away my attention from Dannika. I feel that as a stepmom I have to work extra hard to form a bond between us. I have worked hard to form such a strong and trusting relationship with my daughter—I don’t want that to go away. I want her to feel safe and loved by me in her home. In our home.

But I am not a fool. I am not naïve. I know it will be easier with my baby. I know that my baby will love me more than Dannika ever will—no matter what I do. And it is likely that I will feel the reciprocal, no matter how guilty that makes me feel. No matter how much I try to avoid it.

So what do I do? I pray. A lot. I pray that Dannika will know how loved she is by me. I pray that she will always feel comfortable and safe in our home. I pray that God will show me was to incorporate Dannika into Poppy’s care. I pray that I won’t feel guilty taking care of Poppy instead of Dannika. I pray that I won’t feel guilty taking care of Dannika instead of Poppy.  I pray for balance. For sanity.

I pray for peace.

Looking Up. . . or Looking Cute

The past couple of weeks have not been the most magical time of my pregnancy so far. Besides feeling very tired and overwhelmed by all of the changes that will occur in my life soon--financial, physical, emotional, and even social, I have also been feeling down about my body. I don't look pregnant yet, I just look (and feel) bigger.  As What to Expect put it, "You may notice that your clothes are now tighter and may not be buttoning in the waist like they used to--though at this point you're more likely to look as though you've been hitting the doughnuts hard than that you're pregnant." Heidi Murkoff sure does have a way with words, doesn't she?

I didn't figure I'd be seriously shopping for maternity clothes so soon (11 weeks) but I decided that even if they're a little loose now, they won't be in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice to wear something that was relaxed in the waist rather than snug. So yesterday, Chris and I had a night to ourselves and wound up at Valley West Mall, which has a Motherhood Maternity store.

First of all, I have to say that Chris was a great sport. Surrounded by maternity clothes, nursing bras, and stretch mark cream, my husband bravely stayed with me in the store armed with the distraction of Angry Birds and other various Android apps to help him keep his composure. Well played, dear. Well played.

As Chris buried himself in a virtual world of killing snotty, royal pigs, I walked around the store a little overwhelmed, out of place, and unsure of where to begin. Fortunately a very nice saleswoman came and helped answer a bunch of questions I had about sizing. To my surprise, the prices were very reasonable and I was even able to find some fall/winter clothes on clearance! Yes! Things were looking up! 

The time came to enter the dressing room. Chris reclined in a chair outside ready to give me supportive comments and advice as I bravely entered a world of maternity clothes, a world in which I have only a little experience. Then Nice Saleslady dropped a bomb on me.

"We have fake maternity bellies too. You'll want to try them on with your clothes so that you can see what they'll look like in a few months." She held up a circular pillow shaped object with velcro straps and placed it on the chair. "We have everything else you'll need for trying things on too. The camis fit everyone  and stay in the room so you can try them on with whatever you need them for. Let me know if I can help you with anything else."

I looked at the fake belly. I looked at Chris. I looked at the fake belly again. "I suppose I should probably try that, huh?"

Chris knew better than to try and tell me what to do. He shrugged.


When I first tried on the clothes, I was not brave enough to put on the belly. . . but curiosity killed the cat. I kind of did want to see what I'd look like in a few months. After fiddling with the silly velcro straps and positioning the awkward pillow in place, I bravely put on the beautiful blue clearance! sweater.

I don't mean to brag, but I looked cute. When I had that belly on under that sweater, I felt prettier than I had in weeks. I looked like a pregnant lady! I looked like someone who was growing a baby! There was something very attractive about looking like someone who was supporting a new human life--a piece of me and a piece of Chris.

I took a deep breath and pulled back the curtain. I walked out of the dressing room.

Chris looked up from his game and tried to contain a smile. Not a mean, teasing smirk--the kind of admiring smile that makes you feel  beautiful, cherished, and connected all at the same time. It wasn't just me--he thought I was pretty too! He hadn't been feeding me sweet little lies when he told me he'd still think I was pretty was bigger. It was true. My heart felt so much better. . .

These are some things I got at Motherhood yesterday. . .

Long, flowing dress

 
Pretty blue clearance sweater!

Work pants. (Boring)

What I've Been Waiting For . . . Kinda

I had my first prenatal appointment with my midwife yesterday. I have been looking forward to day for over a month now, as I discovered I was pregnant on July 31, 2011 and had it confirmed by my family doctor on August 5th, 2010.

The reason I was looking forward to the appointment so much was because I've been dying to hear the heartbeat. I read that for a woman of a healthy weight who is 25 or younger, the risk of miscarriage is very small after a good, strong heartbeat has been heard. I decided back in August that I would wait until I had that good, strong heartbeat and then I would be able to announce. It is a good thing too--because some of my pants don't quite zip up the way they did. . . two weeks ago? :-/

Chris, my husband, came with me yesterday. I felt awkward the whole time--from having someone in the exam room with me to the insane number of infant photos on every surface, to the life sized statue of a pregnant woman at the entrance of the clinic. It didn't help that the whole time I was there I was thinking, "all of these people know I'm pregnant and I didn't even tell them". Just awkward.

We spent almost a half hour answering questions about our health histories and then finally the midwife examined me and searched for the Poppy's heartbeat using a doppler. Well, SHE FOUND IT! The baby's heart beat was loud, steady, and clear at 160bpm. Chris's eyes welled up with happiness but I sat there on the table feeling like I was in a dream.  I'd been waiting for over a month to hear that sound and all that was going through my head was, "Yup. There it is. Seems kinda strange there's a heart right there. There isn't usually a heart there. . . hmmm. "

And then I left the office crying. Not because of happiness or relief but more out of terror. That audible heart beat was a surefire sign that I am going to have a BABY. I am going to be a MOTHER. Not just a stepmother--I am the only mommy Poppy gets. I can't mess this up!

And then my head started spinning about all of the information my midwife gave me. NO caffeine (even though my other doctor told me less than 200 mg was okay), insane amounts of water (even though I'm a teacher and don't often get bathroom breaks),  a serving of protein every 2-3 hours, even in the middle of the night (even though most meat makes me sick right now and I'm dead tired and yearning for sleep). I left feeling like a bad mother and a failure  before I was even totally out of my first trimester.

And then I panicked because I panicked! I cried for not being excited to hear my baby's heart and for freaking out. Typical me, I suppose.

Also, I am measuring small and will need an ultrasound next week to date the baby. I know this shouldn't freak me out that badly, but it does a little. And the worst is that my husband won't be with me for the first ultrasound. He will be out of town because of his job. Luckily, my mom is going to go with me. 
 
***

P.S. Poppy is laying on my vena cava "being rocked the the rhythm of my heartbeat" which I suspect may be part of the reason I have back pain--even though Poppy is only the size of a kiwi right now. Little twerp! Must be Chris's kid.

Lil Cyclone Baby

It's rough for me to think that my baby will grow up in a "house divided" Iowa vs. ISU situation. With the upcoming CyHawk football game in my midst, I made sure that my baby will be prepared for next year. Poppy already has an ISU onesie so he/she will be prepared from birth. GO STATE!!!!

Are you still in there?

Apart from being tired, I can hardly tell you're there.
I can't wait until I hear your heartbeat and I feel you!!