Bad Attitude

I try to look on the bright side of things. I tell myself things constantly like, "It'll be okay", "This is just a challenge that you'll have to get through", "God has a plan", and "You're going to be a better person for this". But try as I might, I'm having a really hard time having a good attitude when it comes to going back to work.Who wants to leave this?

August is just around the corner and with that comes the start of the school year. I wish I could say I love my job, but truth be told, in the five years I've been teaching my job has gotten harder every year. It is hard to love something when you feel like you're always getting bad news, always being let down. Having to transfer positions, working with a large special needs population, increasing class sizes, curriculum changes that aren't always for the better, not having enough money to adequately equip my classroom with supplies, and planning time that has essentially decreased every year are just some of the challenges I've faced during my short time in education. I missed out on "the glory years" of teaching, as a friend of mine put it. Boy would I love to know what it's like to work 8 or even 9 hours a day and be able to come home with my work done. Unfortunately, that's never been the case.

(I know, I know. I'm being a whiner.)

All summer long I've been bombarded with the question, "So are you going back to work in the fall?" This question doesn't sound judgmental, but it quickly starts to feel that way. It becomes a gateway for comments like, "I stayed home when my kids were little. It was the best thing for them and my family." or "Have you thought about working part time?" or "Can your family afford for you not to work?" I try to remain polite when I say, "Working full time is what is best for my family right now." Even though in some ways, I'm not sure if that's really true.

Granted, I've never been the type of person who was content to stay home while others went out. I am happiest when I am busy and have lots of opportunities to be out in the real world and interact with lots of people. As much as I enjoy the companionship at my weekly postpartum baby class, it is not enough to sustain me mentally or emotionally long-term. After awhile I will begin to resent my role as wife and mother. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for women who do stay home. I've been doing it for nearly five months and it is not easy! It is lonely, tiring work! I admire women who stay home in part because it is so hard for me. I don't really want to be a stay-at-home mom.

But teaching elementary school is a job that requires about 60 hours a week in order to do it well--even more if you want to be exceptional. I can't help but feel that while I'm off teaching, preparing for lessons, getting supplies ready, making seating charts, answering parent emails, and grading papers for the children of others, I am robbing my own children of time with their mother. I am putting other people's kids before my own. That doesn't feel right. Quite frankly, it makes me grumpy. It gives me a bad attitude--an attitude that I haven't been able to shake with prayer or positive self talk. I am so scared that I am not going to be able to teach and raise my own children the way I want because of being absent or busy with work. It makes me ill to think about it. Not to mention, how will the dogs ever get walked? How am I going to make it to the gym 3-4 times a week? Is my house doomed to a future of perpetual messes because I won't be available to clean it? How much fast food are we going to end up eating? Will I ever have time to see friends, read a book, or write a blog entry? Will I ever get to go on dates with my husband? How many hours am I going to get to sleep at night? Will I even get to sleep at night?

I feel like I have to choose between other people's kid and my own.  I shouldn't have to cheat my students to spend time with my kids--after all, they are someone's baby too. Likewise, I shouldn't have to cheat my kids to be a good teacher for my students. I want to have a balanced life.

 I've got a bad attitude about all of this. I'm working on it, but I need help. I need prayers. I need support. I need encouragement. If you have some advice for me, please give me a call. I could use it.

- "Poppy's" Grumpy  Mama