This is not by accident. This is not a mistake. I didn't forget about my blog or lose my password or run out of ideas for things to write. My priorities just shifted.
Working overtime and being mom to two kids doesn't leave a lot of free time. When I do have free time (usually from about 8:30pm to 10:30pm) I am generally too tired to do much besides read a book, watch TV, or Facebook. I'm starting to be okay with that. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.
While I have always known I wanted to be a mother and perhaps arrogantly felt my personality would mold very nicely into motherhood, there have been some aspects that I have had to get used to. Some were harder to embrace than others, which is my my New Year's resolution is to embrace those aspects of motherhood that have been a bit harder to love. I am going to see the beauty in the mundane. I am going to view those challenging moments as the super bowl games of parenting. Here are some of the things that I have found to be personally challenging.
Challenge One: It is hard to play with your kids. Watching them play is beautiful and wonderful. I love listening to Dannika make up stories or have conversations with mermaids, stuffed bears, or even her baby brother who doesn't really talk yet. She has such imagination and when she plays you can tell that she feels powerful. I am fascinated by how Aidric sees something from across a room that catches his eye and instantly pursues it and proceeds to take it apart. He wants to know how things work--how they feel, how they smell, and of course, how they taste. He appreciates every aspect of an object. Yes, watching your children play is beautiful. It's participating that's a bit harder.
I'm not exactly sure when, but I stopped having conversations with mermaids a long time ago. I have a harder time knowing what they are telling me and even when I do, I don't always know what to say back to them. I stopped finding the novelty in nightlights, drawer handles, and the sound cups make when they are dragged across a kitchen floor. I forgot those things. It's almost as though I'm back in Germany, only this time it's been nine years since I've taken any German. I'm rusty. I have to think about everything before I say it. The dialogue of play doesn't flow like it used to.
Challenge Two: Finding Equilibrium I have learned
I will never feel as though I do enough for my kids and at the same time, wonder what that statement even means. I find myself wondering if Dannika shouldn't be in more activities, then worrying that she'll be "overbooked" and I'll be a drill sergeant if I put her in swimming lessons AND tumbling AND dance at the age of five. I read Aidric two books at night and feel regret, wanting to enrich his vocabulary faster and give him a better edge in school. Then I remember that with an adult's help, Aidric should have an attention span that lasts about 3 minutes max. I'll cook a well balanced meal of lean grilled chicken, steamed vegetables, and whole grain rice. I'll feel like a great mom for cooking such a healthy meal. Then Dannika won't eat half of it and I'm knocked off of my Mom Goddess throne. The next day I make chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese and I'm a hero in her eyes. I try to make the voice that's telling me I'm a bad mommy for feeding her processed food with preservatives to shut up and eat some Spaghettios. :-P
Challenge Three: Maintaining Friendships It's no secret that kids affect your marriage. Lots of moms read "new mommy" books or articles that state that you have to plan to have time together with your spouse or you simply won't have time together anymore! But people forget to mention how kids affect your friendships and how difficult it is to maintain them when you have children to care for. A couple of months ago I made it my priority to see one friend per week. Since my husband has drill for the Air Force one weekend per month and usually travels once per month as well, it's hard for me to set a goal much higher than this, since I generally reserve babysitters for parties and bi-weekly date night. It's hard to maintain a friendship with someone if you only see a pal once a month, but you do what you can and try to make those people feel valued while you're with them, because despite the decrease in time spent they still mean the world to you. I also find myself avoiding long outings with friends, because of the guilt I feel when I am away from my kids. I plan coffee rather than dinner or will meet someone at 8:30pm at night, because my kids will be in bed by then. I struggle not to bring up my kids too much, but often find the topic just too tempting. I am in love with them. I am the middle school girl who can't stop talking about her crush from English class. I can't resist! I have also found that friendship with women who have children the same age as mine just feels very natural. Most of the women at Dannika's tumbling practice are a fair amount older than me, but I relate to them, because they are also dealing with what it means to have a 5 or 6 year-old girl. Six years ago I was a 21 year-old junior in college, living in an apartment that usually contained eight people. These women were pregnant or raising babies. They probably wouldn't have picked me for a friend either!
Challenge Four: The House that Doubles as a Daycare Center I like a nice, tidy house. I like things in their spot. I like art. I like accent walls and matching furniture. I like clutter free counters. These things, while nice, aren't very practical once children arrive. The only room in my house that doesn't contain kid stuff right now is my bedroom and that's only because I put Aidric's white shark that he got from Dannika for Christmas back in his toy box a little bit ago. My kitchen has a baby walker, my living room has a baby gym and a boppy pillow, my dining room has a high chair, my office has a jumparoo, my bathroom has light up toothbrushes, fire fighting ducks, and floating fish, my garage has a stroller, a kiddie pool, and a bike with training wheels, and my deck has a Little Tikes picnic table. Nothing has been left untouched. And as for the clean and tidy thing? I do my best, but often find myself back at Challenge Two wondering if it's a better use of my time to keep the counters clean or build block towers for Aidric to knock down.
So those are just a few of the things that I have found personally challenging about being a mama. In no way do they compare or counteract with the immense blessings that my children provide, however, which is why I am going to try to view these challenges in a different light during 2013. May I grow and evolve from these things even more in the new year. Happy 2013!
